Tabloid Covers: Jessica Simpson Delivery Drama, Kardashians “Destroy” Men
April 18, 2012 by Hollywoodite
It could have been blithely assumed that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s engagement would have been the featured cover story for most of the major tabloids. If only because it was an easy sell. The magazines could have taken a break from fabricating wedding plans to writing about real ones. At least, that’s what OK! Magazine and People Magazine did for their print editions.
The remaining tabloids were either burnt out on the engagement news, come print deadline, or had possibly picked cover stories already. At least, that’s how it feels with so many Kardashian and otherwise generic covers this week. There were no other special issues aside from OK! and People. The rest did their own thing. Including Us Weekly, which flooded its website’s front page with engagement news through the weekend even upping the estimated cost of Jolile’s engagement ring in response to People’s exclusive.
* People Magazine: it’s an early-release issue. Usually reserved for big deals that need rushing for reasons of timeliness. And, in retrospect, it was a good decision. Because the engagement news already feels stale. It was raked over and raked over again on the weekend. And everyone’s kind of over it. People’s headline reads: “People Engagement Special. Brad & Angie Finally Engaged. After 7 Years, Why Now? The Wedding: When & Where. The Gown Designers Weigh In. The Story Behind The Ring.”
* OK! Magazine: also released its cover on Monday, two days earlier than usual. Although, you wouldn’t know it. Because the cover story got very little pick-up. Moreover, from the teasers posted online, there’s no new or pertinent information to be gleaned from the print edition. The cover reads: “Brad & Angie Engaged: The gorgeous ring he gave her; Brad’s surprise proposal; How all the kids will take part. Romantic details of their wedding plans.”
* In Touch Weekly: went from fabricating Khloe Kardashian miscarriage drama to Jessica Simpson delivery drama. Simpson isn’t due for at least another few days. But the tabloid is preparing for next week’s story. And it’s clear they’re desperate for her to deliver, because this headline paints them into a creative corner. The cover reads: “Inside Jessica’s Dramatic Delivery. The agony of choosing a C-section over natural birth; Hypnosis to calm ‘cold sweats’; Her tearful first words to her new baby girl. PLUS: Eric’s $250,000 push present.”
* Life & Style: this cover is hilarious, and accurate. The tabloid claims the overbearing Kardashians and their pimp momager ruin the careers and lives of the men in the family. And the men with whom they’re in relationships. One example, leading on the cover, Lamar Odom. The cover reads: “Khloe Divorce Bombshell: The Kardashians Destroy Another Man. They’ve ruined every guy in their lives for fame. Fed up with Khloe’s meddling family and stuck in a sexless marriage, a depressed Lamar falls apart. Inside the couple’s final fight. (Rob Kardashian: Shunned; Scott Disick: Emasculated; Bruce Jenner: Bullied; Kris Humphries: Used).”
* Reality Weekly: also went for a generic Kardashian story; eerily similar to covers from two-weeks-ago. To the extent that, one could surmise, its cover story is a belated copy and paste job. The cover reads: “Breaking News: Kim’s Divorce Trial Nightmare. Kanye Will Testify. They’ve been together longer than anyone knew. How Kris found out. What Kanye knows could cost Kim millions.”
* Star Magazine: went for a generic diet/ bikini cover. Boring. The cover reads, in brief: “Addicted To Dieting. Stars’ Best, Worst & Most Extreme Diets. 500 calories a day; Eating disorder confessions; Baby food diet.” And no, despite the inset, there’s no reason to think Beyonce is pregnant again.
* Us Weekly: the Middleton sisters cover this week because someone sat in a car next to Pippa Middleton and pointed a gun at paparazzi. Which is somehow her fault, Us Weekly would have us believe. The cover reads: “Pippa’s Big Mistake. Royal Scandal. After partying all night, Pippa gets caught in horrifying gun accident. Kate stands by her sister as she faces the wrath of the palace.”
* National Enquirer: is getting a pity mention because of its hilarious cover suggesting Jennifer Aniston was overcome learning that her ex-husband would remarry. The inset headline reads: “Jolie-Pitt Wedding Bombshell: Jennifer Aniston Collapses. She never believed Brad would marry Angelina (How she found out).”
